There once was a good Baptist Minister, who in order to make his family's budget go a little further, rode a bicycle to Church and to Church functions. One day his bike turned up missing. He searched everywhere, but could not find it. Since it was a very small town he lived in, and most of the town was in his parish, he assumed that one of his flock had strayed and stolen his bicycle. He spoken with his Deacon about his quandry. The Deacon suggested that at the Sermon next Sunday, the Minister talk on the Ten Commandments. When he got to the Commandment "Thou Shalt Not Steal", the Minister should turn on the Fire-and-Brimstone and preach like he had never preached before. The guilty part should then feel such remorse for their wrongdoing, that they would return the bike. So Sunday came and the Minister gave his sermon. It was a good sermon but when he reached "Thou Shalt Not Steal", there was no Fire-and-Brimstone. The Deacon was puzzled and asked the Minister why he hadn't really socked it to the thief. "Well" said the Minister, "I was all set to turn on the Fire-and-Brimstone like I had never done before. That part was to be my sermon to end all sermons. But when I got to the "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" part, I remembered where I had left my bicycle!"
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist." Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a Christian." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers: * Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High". * Don't let worry kill you--let the church help. * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. * Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. * Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! * The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. * This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. * Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. * This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. * The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. * Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so. * The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. * Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. * Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. * The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. * At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. * During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. * The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. * The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. * The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. * The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. * Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. * Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. * Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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